I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
this just has baby written all over it
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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