Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
