READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
