Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
