I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
