shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
