I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
