My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
