i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
