Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
