He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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