yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
