pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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