I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
