the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
