I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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