I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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