true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
