Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
