I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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