we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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