Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
