I need help removing her.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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