I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
