The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
