first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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