I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
