I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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