Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Did I show you my penis last night?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
