1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
