Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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