you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
