The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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