i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
