he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
