why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
