At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"