If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
I think this conversation is over.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
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drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
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Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out