They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
being pregnant is like rehab
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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