corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
