I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
