dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
