haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You have to summon your inner elephant
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
