i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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