we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
