You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
So squirting runs in the family.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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