This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
When / where did the additional couches appear?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK