I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
