I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it