hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
