Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
