i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
