I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
