She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
