Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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