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Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
