I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
